multiply - mJe, Nuggi, FaG, xone, husse
of-ven - mJe, sk1nd, Rafting, neno, husse
stage - godz, beeck, vodka, zati, fever, husse
wiseguys - Nizon, Performance, Glitch, Newklis, husse
The Bro Code is a living document - manifest in its 83 amendments - and as such is not yet publicly available in an unabridged volume. The original document is housed in a non-disclosed location, two stories beneath sea level in a vacuum-sealed bulletproof chamber. Re-printed here is a sampling of some of her articles. Learn. Live. Enjoy.
ARTICLE 26 "A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight." A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: "The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps." * SEE ZaBroder film
ARTICLE 34 "Bro's cannot make eye contact during a devils-three-way."
ARTICLE 53 "A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection." In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story. * Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages ** SEE APPENDIX E: "List of approved ninja training facilities and dojos."
ARTICLE 56 "A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that bro twice confirmed it's cool."
ARTICLE 57 "A Bro may not speculate on the expected bro/chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio."
ARTICLE 58 "If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another bro's girlfriend's birthday and/or anniversary date. He shall endeavour to make that information available to his bro, regardless of whether he thinks his bro already knows."
"One Bro makes a solo attack.
A second Bro provides a crutch.
A third Bro rounds out the pack.
But a fourth Bro is one to much."
ARTICLE 60 "Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl's wildly unattractive cousin/friend/mother."
ARTICLE 61 "A Bro shall honour thy father and mother."
ARTICLE 62 "In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Rosh-ambo shall determine the outcome."
ARTICLE 63 "In a scenario in with two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity, including but not limited to; the high-five, the fish bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no."
ARTICLE 64 "A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the seconds Bro's favourite sports team in a playoff scenario."
ARTICLE 65 "A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drink(s) among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supersedes this purchase and exchange of spirits."
ARTICLE 66 "If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a realtionship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a "that sucks, man" and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed."
ARTICLE 67 "Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool."
ARTICLE 68 "If A Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work or temporary immigration to a foreign country."
ARTICLE 87 "A Bro shall at all times say "yes"
ARTICLE 89 "A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro." Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
whuzz-, courr, Grosser, zanoj, dupoNt, wazer, zarde, husse, eilert, gunn
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